I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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