So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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