mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize