i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
