if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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