Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
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