the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
