I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
