Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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