It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize