this is something i pride myself on being below average for
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
