youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
