The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Randomize
