I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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