It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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