I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize