Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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