my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
