Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
