So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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