Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
