Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
