I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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