I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
