Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
