just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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