Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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