isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
