I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
