I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
sex in a hospital.. check
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
