It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The adults are the big ones right?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
