My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
