i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We don't watch enough power rangers
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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