wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
