fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize