Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Randomize
