I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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