just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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