It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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