I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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