Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
