Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
