just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
