he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
can u get pink eye on your cock?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
