Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
