you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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