Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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