i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
