No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
