So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
