I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
