Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
a search helicopter?!
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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