Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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