well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
