Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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