I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
